Yesterday I met a paranormal investigator. I’ve never met one before. In fact, when I got up in the morning I hadn’t realised I was going to meet one that day.

When he’s not investigating the paranormal he does a variety of odd jobs, which was why he was visiting someone at the same time I was there for something else.

When you see them on TV paranormal investigators seem to be completely normal to the point of being boring – not a top hat, garlic clove or skull in sight.  This was pretty much the case in real life too, though he did have a beard. As it’s a well-known fact that beards are good this was a plus point.

He didn’t even seem as mad as a box of frogs when he spoke.

It seems he’d recently been hanging round the site of an old monastery with a friend, detecting the psychic energy of  monks who died 500 years ago, using something called a K2 meter.

Before that he’d had some trouble in a cemetery one night when “something” hit him in the face. It seems the thing to do in  these circumstances is to tell them to stop it in a polite but firm manner. You must also avoid walking into them in case you become attached.

A really good way of avoiding an attachment, in my mind, is not to go walking around graveyards at night.

Problem solved.

You must also, it seems, avoid attracting ghosts into your car and driving them home. If you get one in the car you have to stop and tell them to leave. I’m not sure what happens if they refuse to leave, particularly if you aren’t packing holy water, a cross or a clove of garlic.

Again, if you don’t want to be haunted, don’t go messing in graveyards.

That’s it. I’m not going to say any more. You must make your own mind up whether you believe it or not. All I will say is that it’s a wonderful life when you can meet a faith healer and a ghost hunter on consecutive days.