Tag Archives: humour

Another Day, Another Post

Well, the general feeling seems to be that most people write because they enjoy it or they love words (or probably both). Tootlepedal writes to remind himself he’s still alive and write because I’m addicted to it. I also enjoy it, love words and, deep down, believe that someone is going to recognise my talent and give me money.

To be honest, it is looking like the only way i”m likely to make money from writing is by diversifying into kidnapping people and writing ransom notes. I could try kidnapping Boris and threaten to release him unless people send me money. However, I’d better be careful. If someone actually tries it I could find that my blog becomes a matter for discussion in court and what started as “humour” is probably going to be seen in a different light when it is labelled “evidence”. It will also involve buying a suit and tie, which is an expense I can do without.

I dropped Julia off at work this morning and drove back to join the main road via a side-street. That gave me an idea for a haibun and I had two more shortly after. I can’t use the voice recorder I bought recently because it is too small for my big, stiff fingers. I should have spent more money and bought one I could actually use. That is false economy of the first order. That meant I had to keep repeating the ideas to myself as I drove along. If I allow myself to relax I tend to forget. And if I forget I convince myself I have just forgotten my best ever poem. This is unlikely to be true, but it’s annoying to forget anything, even the bad ones.

At work I purloined (which sounds better than “stole”) some office stationery and wrote the rough outlines of the three haibun before making some notes which might turn into something. But they might not/ If I don’t tell you, nobody can ask how the new project is going. Or even if there is a new project…

Tonight we had corned beef hash for tea. It featured the remains of yesterdays vegetable stew, a tin of corned beef, onions, leeks and a pack of ready chopped vegetables. I will have it for lunch tomorrow too, as I made far too much. Fortunately I like corned beef hash. I would probably enjoy it nearly as much without the corned beef, which is something I will have to think about as we eat more veg and less meat.

 

 

Counting My Blessings

The garden needs a lot of tidying, and some new fencing, but as you can see from the photos, the patio is looking good. This is due to Julia’s hard work. So, blessings one and two – a colourful patio display and an apple tree with 14 apples on it.We will have to wait for the June drop to see how things develop.

Blessing Number Three – Julia still doesn’t realise she married an idiot. I am doing my best to hide this from her, though I think it is slowly dawning on her that after 30 years I have shown no signs of improvement.

I have a job. I may not have enjoyed it much this morning when I went back to work but it pays the bills and, more importantly. over the last couple of months it allowed me to be furloughed. If I had still be self-employed the last few months would have been a lot harder. I am slightly ashamed of myself for not sticking with self-employment but accepting that job offer two years ago has proved to be a smart move.

I still have my health. It may seem, as I grumble and gripe, and throw down handfuls of pills, that I am not the healthiest of people. This is true, but I’m a lot better off than many of the people I chat to in various waiting rooms. However, most, if not all, my health problems are caused by my complete disregard for diet and exercise, so I have only myself to blame.

That’s five reasons to be cheerful, which is quite enough optimism for one day.

Sherwood, Nottingham

Sherwood, Nottingham

Pictures are from the garden on the day we had afternoon tea.

A Week I Wouldn’t Want Again (Part 2)

The day after the hospital trip we both had the day off. Julia didn’t feel like doing much so we sat at home and watched TV. Little did we realise, but within days this would become official Government advice.

After an hour I cracked and went out. I had errands to run and, as Julia pointed out, although I was trying to be solicitous and empathetic, I can be irritating in large doses. It was a bit of a strain for me too, as solicitude and empathy are not my natural territory. I tend more towards grumpy and sarcastic.

Julia decided to go to the gym while I was out, but after walking to the bus stop decided that was enough exercise for the day.

Thursday followed much the same pattern, though this time I went to work and Julia walked to the shop with a borrowed shopping trolley in search of vegetables for tea. There was still a reasonable selection of goods on the shelves, apart from toilet rolls and pasta, but we have plenty of toilet rolls and enough pasta so why worry?

There was, at that time, no sign of the Government descending into headless chicken mode, or the impending retail apocalypse.

On Friday Julia was back in hospital having a number of tests, including two brain scans which found nothing.

When she told me that, I smirked.

“You’re going to use that as a joke on the blog aren’t you?” she said. She has a low opinion of me as a humourist.

“No,” I said. “What sort of man would make light of his wife’s ill health.”

I think we all know the answer to that question.

The flowers – primroses and forget-me-nots – are from the Mencap garden. We are on holiday at the moment but nipped down just to check everything was alright.

 

A Lazy Link

Sorry, I’m knackered after a day shut in the back room at the shop so I’m opting for a lazy link to a funny news story. We had two brief episodes of rain – one lasted about three minutes and the second for about a minute. The raindrops were big but it didn’t do much good – the temperature stayed up and the floor didn’t even get well. Tomorrow we are expecting thunderstorms and there is an yellow weather warning in place. In the old days they just told you to remember your umbrella.

So here’s the link.

If you want more stories there are links at the end of story.

If you want more zoo-based humour try this.

I went to the zoo yesterday but it wasn’t very good, the only animal on show was a dog.

It was a Shih-Tzu. 

Or this…

I went to the zoo yesterday and all they had on show was a baguette in a cage.

The keeper said it was bred in captivity.

I’m easily amused.

Hopefully I’ll be back with a proper post later.

 

The Day That Dignity Died

Well, it looks like I owe you all a number of apologies.

First, I missed a day, which means you had to survive for 24 hours without my daily ray of sunshine. I think it was 111 days, but even if  I miscounted it 111 is a good number to remember.

I also misled you by claiming things were under control and getting netter.  This turned out to be inaccurate. Looking on the bright side, the further developments turned out to be more interesting (and cringeworthy).

And finally, after leading you into the apologies in a flippant manner, I’m going to apologise in advance for some of the words and details I’m about to use. If you dislike posts with unsavoury details of the interior of my trousers you may wish to pass on this one. I will be as refined as possible, but remember the “as possible”; that’s a long way from the sort of anecdote I’d tell my mother.

Cast your mind back to Wednesday morning. It is bright and clear with the gentle hum of traffic and the muted twitter of urban bird life. All is well in the world and I am getting ready for my pre-operative check. The only fly in the ointment is a slight feeling that I should be feeling better as I am positively crammed with antibiotics.

I was not fated to make that appointment, and half an hour later I was at the A&E department at QMC shouting at the receptionist. It wasn’t that I was annoyed with her, just that they have put up glass security screens and you now need to broadcast embarrassing personal details at high volume to make yourself heard. So much for patient dignity.

They sent me straight to the Urgent Treatment Centre. It’s a two minute stroll for an able-bodied, or a crippling lifetime of toil for a man with a bad foot. Not only that, but it’s not all that urgent.

When I was finally seen (which wasn’t really that long compared to a wait in A&E) the doctor asked me to describe my symptoms. Part way through, she seemed to be looking bemused.

“Is there anything wrong?” I asked.

“Well,” she said, “they seem to have booked you in with joint pain.”

“I do have joint pain,” I said, “but that’s not what  I told them at reception.”

I distinctly recall what I had told them at reception.You remember such things.

So, once again, I took down my trousers. It’s getting to be automatic and really doesn’t bother me any more.  In the last three months I’ve exposed myself to more strangers than the average flasher.

“Yes, you’re right.” said the doctor, “that’s definitely an abcess, in fact it looks like there’s one here too.

She squeezed.

“Eeeek,” I said, trying not to cry,

 

(To Be Continued…)

Reasons to be cheerful

Number One – humour. It may be immature, but I still have my sense of humour, and couldn’t resist taking the picture with the cabbages. Fortunately my wife is a fan of Calendar Girls so I got away with it.

Number two, as covered above, immaturity. I’ll have time to grow up when I’m dead but while I’m breathing I’m going to carry on laughing at unsuitable jokes and wearing odd socks.

I worked out the other day that I have around a third of my life yet to live. As this is the third that features incontinence, Alzheimer’s and …I forget the other thing… I have decided that I’m not going to waste time being serious.

Number three, doing a job I like. It’s worth a lot when you get up in a morning (well, most mornings) and want to get to work. I also get to work with my wife. She is extremely irritating to work with, and I find I have to introduce her as “the first Mrs Wilson” to keep her in order, but i can’t really think of a better way to pass my days.  (Yes, she reads the blog, but she’s remarkably forgiving).

Then there’s birds, butterflies, flowers, trees, grasshoppers and stoats and all the things that live in the area outside the office.

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Red Admiral and Peacock

I suppose I could come up with a fourth, probably about all the great people I meet whilst blogging, but I’ve just made myself so happy I’m going to go out and take pictures of butterflies. We had a Common Blue fly in yesterday (a new species for the Butterfly Garden) and, in my eternally optimistic way, I want to see if it comes round again.

Later: I didn’t find the Blue, but I did get a good shot of a Green-veined White.

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