Tag Archives: Boris Johnson

One Day, Three Posts

Links in case you missed the first and second posts.

I’m watching Family Fortunes. It’s comforting to know that although many species are threatened by extinction we still have a thriving population of idiots. If we could work out a way to generate electricity from them we would be in a really good position to stop depleting the world’s resources. Obviously I mean a socially acceptable way of generating electricity. Merely forking them into a massive incinerator would be easy and direct, but would probably encounter opposition. I’m also unclear on the release of carbon dioxide from burning idiots. It’s probably better to put up massive multi-storey buildings full of bicycles linked to generators and make the idiots pedal. It will take idiots off the streets and give them something useful to do.  When you think of the potential of idiots to breed more idiots it is definitely a renewable energy resource.

First one up for my new idiot treatment will be Boris Johnson. He’s reportedly going to resign as Prime Minister next year as he can’t manage on his £150,000 pa salary. That’s what he thinks. My plans for him are slightly different. He’s lied to us about Brexit, he’s lied and backstabbed his way to the top, he’s cultivated  Dominic Cummings like some vile germ, he’s completely lost it when called on for Covid leadership and now, after having a go at being PM, he’s bored and he wants to go so he can jump on the lecture circuit.

A lifetime spent cycling so I can have cheap electricity seems a fitting end to the blonde buffoon after the mess he’s made of the country in his pursuit of personal gain, particularly if he had to exist on minimum wage.  We could cuff him to the bike like a galley slave and make him pedal off his debt to society.

If I tell you that I’d use my cheap electricity to charge a cattle prod, can you guess where I’d shove it?

 

The Fifty Foot Johnson

I suppose I should start with an apology to my American readers for my poor taste, and an explanation to my British readers – johnson is American slang for penis. If you know my views on the Prime Minister and the way my minds works, I’m sure you can see what direction this post is moving in.

Last night I was musing on the chain of circumstances which, if applied to Stanley Johnson, might result in the non-birth of Bungling Boris. As you may have gathered from yesterday’s post, I am not a fan.

Mumps or measles would have done the trick, as would an unfortunate rugby injury. It’s less likely that I could have invented a time travelling burdizzo, despite the obvious attraction of such a direct and effective method. Then I thought of radiation. Would it be possible to travel back in time with a microwave and secure the required result. I’m not quite clear on the use of radiation, which seems to have variable effects. Doctor Bruce Banner seems to have swollen up and turned green as a result of exposure to radiation while Peter Parker assumed many of the characteristics of a spider.

I may have to drop the idea of irradiation, due to the side effects.

Anyway, if one of the Johnsons was to become a Marvel Superhero it would have to be Boris’s younger brother Jo Johnson. Marvel superheroes have alliterative names so there is no other choice. And why, you ask, do they have alliterative names? Because Stan Lee had a bad memory and it helped him remember them. Sounds slightly unlikely, but that’s what it says on Wikipedia.

 

Due to this I am going to abandon the idea of irradiating Stanley, as it might turn him into  a giant, and nobody would want a fifty foot Johnson. Let’s face it, nobody actually wants a six foot Johnson.

Attackofthe50ftwoman

The Insomniac Diaries

The clocks went back at the weekend, I’ve been getting more sleep and at 5am this morning the inevitable happened – my sleep levels overflowed and found I didn’t need any more.

Nature abhors a vacuum, as Aristotle said, and the space once filled with sleep was soon filled with worries. (I always thought that quote came from someone like Pope until I looked it up just now, strange how ideas develop over a lifetime and then turn out to be wrong.

He did, however, give us a little learning is a dangerous thing, which would tend to suggest that this blog could be fatal in the wrong hands, as Wikipedia and my education are both examples of ” little learning”. You need to study something like Classics at Oxford to be fully educated. Then you can become Prime Minister, like Boris Johnson.

I’m off to work now, but will leave you with that thought.