The Fifty Foot Johnson

I suppose I should start with an apology to my American readers for my poor taste, and an explanation to my British readers – johnson is American slang for penis. If you know my views on the Prime Minister and the way my minds works, I’m sure you can see what direction this post is moving in.

Last night I was musing on the chain of circumstances which, if applied to Stanley Johnson, might result in the non-birth of Bungling Boris. As you may have gathered from yesterday’s post, I am not a fan.

Mumps or measles would have done the trick, as would an unfortunate rugby injury. It’s less likely that I could have invented a time travelling burdizzo, despite the obvious attraction of such a direct and effective method. Then I thought of radiation. Would it be possible to travel back in time with a microwave and secure the required result. I’m not quite clear on the use of radiation, which seems to have variable effects. Doctor Bruce Banner seems to have swollen up and turned green as a result of exposure to radiation while Peter Parker assumed many of the characteristics of a spider.

I may have to drop the idea of irradiation, due to the side effects.

Anyway, if one of the Johnsons was to become a Marvel Superhero it would have to be Boris’s younger brother Jo Johnson. Marvel superheroes have alliterative names so there is no other choice. And why, you ask, do they have alliterative names? Because Stan Lee had a bad memory and it helped him remember them. Sounds slightly unlikely, but that’s what it says on Wikipedia.


Due to this I am going to abandon the idea of irradiating Stanley, as it might turn him into  a giant, and nobody would want a fifty foot Johnson. Let’s face it, nobody actually wants a six foot Johnson.


15 thoughts on “The Fifty Foot Johnson

  1. Pingback: The Fifty Foot Johnson — quercuscommunity | FAN FICTION Film and Writing Festival

      1. Lavinia Ross

        I bought a print, framed it, and it is up on the wall. 🙂 I learned about it from one of our farmers’ market vendors who had one. She brought it in to show everyone.

  2. arlingwoman

    Ah, Bruce. Somehow we elected these people (well, in our case the Electoral College did; most of us elected someone else) and I can’t help but think we’re like the Romans wanting bread and circuses. We’ve elected idiots and now they’re running our governments and pandemics and … oof, well, I hope that 50 foot woman is wearing shorts instead of a skirt.

  3. Pingback: Book Review – Riding in the Zone Rouge | quercuscommunity

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