I note from WP that there is no data available on my UTM parameters. At that point I immediately wanted to know why. It wasn’t, of course, the most immediate question in my mind at the time – that was “What are UTM parameters?” Well, near enough. I edited the question to remove a couple of words as we international bloggers realise that it is always pre-watershed somewhere in the world.

UTM parameters are “Urchin Tracking Module (UTM) parameters” and they “are used to track the effectiveness of online marketing campaigns. You can assign a specific UTM to a campaign and track how much traffic the campaign generates.”

I thought Marx would be a good picture to use in a discussion about marketing . . .

Obviously, my follow up questions were “Urchin?” “What are you talking about?” “What marketing?” and “Why are you doing all this when all I want is a reliable system for publishing my thoughts to a small number of delightful readers who I capture using the tumbleweed principle rather tha marketing?”

OK, I confess that my actual question was shorter and a good deal less publishable.

And the tumbleweed principle? It’s the opposite of marketing. I target nobody, I don’t advertise, I don’t tailor my content to particular readers, and I just burble on, tossing whatever words I have in my head onto a small screen. People drift in, they drift out . . .

Some drift back.

That’s it – the blueprint for a blog that has achieved a certain longevity and gathered a few friends. It’s not about travel or cutting edge conversations or handbags. It’s the digital equivalent to saying hello to the person sitting alone in their room in the care home as you pass by on the way to see someone else.

If you make the mistake of stopping to talk I will show you my eye, discuss my health and talk to you about my latest passion – the length of the handles on toilet plungers. After certain circumstances that have occurred twice in the last month, it is a subject of major concern. Why can’t they just make them a foot longer?

I won’t go on. It has the potential to become a modern version of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner, apart from being written by the
“grey- beard loon” and being based on modern plumbing instead of maritime superstition. Readers may also wonder why I would be wrestling with an albatross stuck in a U-bend.

Maybe two feet longer would be better. That way you could unblock the albatross and keep your hands dry.