Tag Archives: politics

A Politics Free Post. Well Freeish…

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It has always been my intention never to swear on this blog, and never to engage in politics. I’ve also always thought it impolite to comment on heads of state and various laws that strike me as ill-advised. After all, if a nation votes for someone, and their legislature passes laws, who am I to disagree?

Despite the temptation, I am not going to let myself deviate from my personal code.

Elect who you like, and have as many guns as you like, though I would be grateful if you’d keep them at home.

However, I would like to point out that I do not carry a knife when I leave the house. Nor have I ever seen a hospital floor covered in blood or noticed myself living in a war zone.

In the UK we have fewer murders per year than the city of Chicago. We also have fewer snowploughs, though I’m not sure there’s any link between the two statistics.

We haven’t had a school shooting since 1996 when we took decisive action to stop them.  In fact I think we’ve only ever had one school shooting. We have 80 massacres recorded in the UK according to Wikipedia, including two civil wars, a thirty year bombing campaign and the Romans, who make the first entry on the list in 61 AD when they slaughtered the Druids on Anglesey.

If anyone wants to do the research for America I doubt you’ll need to go back that far.

However, that’s getting a little close to criticism, so I’ll leave it there. I just wanted to emphasise that we aren’t all knife-wielding thugs wading through pools of blood as our society slides into a murderous abyss.

We’re actually quite peaceful though if we do take offence at a head of state we have been known to chop their heads off. Sic semper tyrannis, as they say.

The forthcoming State Visit is going to be interesting.

The Bits in Between

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I’ve often wondered what happens to people in between the bits they write about in their blogs.

I’m assuming, like me, that people only write about the best, most interesting and positive bits of their lives. So today I’m going to write about all the bits in between – the bits that make me appear lazy, small-minded and xenophobic. This might be news to those of you who already see me as lazy, small-minded and xenophobic, but there are, I promise, further depths to explore.

This morning, for instance, whilst eating a piece of toast and marmalade Julia had made me I pondered the question of whether or not she does it on purpose. She knows I’m trying to cut down on carbs and sugar, and that I’m life-threateningly obese. I’m not sure whether she’s merely absent-minded or whether the toast and marmalade is part of a cunning long-term plan to kill me.

That’s why I watch a lot of crime dramas, it’s research for foolproof ways to murder your spouse. I’m not sure why Julia watches them, but I have my suspicions.

There is an alternative, but that involves getting up earlier and making my own breakfast.

While I was eating the potentially fatal dose of calories I watched TV and muttered about European politics. Just before the EU referendum I was broadly in favour of Europe, but since the vote, with all the posturing of the negotiators, I’ve moved to a position where I’m not.

This mirrors the experience of two of my uncles who had trouble getting out of Europe in the summer of 1940.

Anyway, enough of my growing anti-European bigotry.

After dropping Julia off at work I shouted abuse at a couple of drivers and went back to sleep. I woke up and went back to sleep again. And again. Finally, feeling sluggish, and having wasted an entire morning, I got up.

The launderette was deserted. I’ve stopped going early in the morning as it always seems to be crammed with people trying to avoid the rush. The machine was faulty again and I disobeyed the instruction taped to it by changing programmes mid-wash. This seemed to work and it started washing again.

When I went to the supermarket it all went well until it came time to pay. I had my cards out ready to claim my points and pay when the till operator was asked to help with a problem at the till next door. I don’t know about you, but if it had been me I’d have completed my own sale before doing something else.

I smiled through it, despite being late for picking Julia up from work, even when the machine messed up my contactless payment three times. I find that smiling and being pleasant is character forming, and is good practice for dealing with customers in the shop.

This evening, armed with a list of jobs I’d written in the launderette, I made a start on turning my life round with efficiency.

I’ve done one of them, which was to load eight items onto eBay. I prepared them yesterday at work but put them on tonight as Sunday night is supposedly the night where people pay the most.

Sadly, that’s the only one of eleven items that I’ve done. The fault is obviously with the list, rather than me. If I’d listed Go to the chip shop, Watch crap TV and Potter about on the internet I’d have been able to tick four jobs off instead of just one.

Part of my pottering involved looking at the site 32 Inspirational Sunday Quotes, but by the time I’d reached Number 19 the forced jollity was inspiring me to kick a puppy. This was probably not what they were meaning to do.

With that thought, I will leave you.

 

A Day for Clerihews

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The Clerihew, according to Wikipedia, is a four line biographical poem invented by Edmund Clerihew Bentley, with a rhyme scheme of aabb. The lines are irregular, though the first line should feature the name of the person who is the subject of the poem.  Bentley believed that the name should be at the end of the line as part of the challenge lay in finding a rhyme for awkward names. It can be whimsical, absurd and inaccurate.

In other words, they aren’t very demanding in terms of technique and historical research.

Here are three that I’ve written as part of a series about British Prime Ministers. Don’t rely on them if you are revising for an exam on the subject. I’ve covered PMs in other posts, but as there have been around 57 of them I still have a way to go.

I will try a few more over Christmas as I will have (a) time and (b) an unpleasantly crotchety attitude, which are both useful for political subjects.

 

 

Robert Walpole, 1st Earl of Orford,

was known to be fond of his orchard.

He was in power for 20 years.

And he raised gin tax, causing many tears.

 

Augustus Henry FitzRoy, 3rd Duke of Grafton

never wore a kaftan.

As a Chathamite Whig

he was a bit of a prig.

 

 

PM Stanley Baldwin

had a disagreement with the King.

A man of stately carriage,

he opposed King Edward’s marriage.

 

 

 

 

Poetry and Prime Ministers

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Following on from the clerihews yesterday, and the challenges from Derrick Knight and Clare Pooley, here are a few more.

 

Anthony Charles Lynton Blair,

had a certain, easy flair,

for acts of great mendacity,

but sadly not veracity.

 

Sir Edward Heath

was famous for teeth.

With music and sailing, an  undoubted geek,

who gave us all a three day week.

 

Sir Henry Campbell Bannerman

was sound around geraniums.

He was Prime Minister and Father of the House

and was known for being portly, as was his spouse.

 

This is post 1,001 – post 1,002 will return to more familiar topics.

 

 

Political Clerihews (Again)

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Today it’s back to clerihews.  This might be a bit incromprehensible to non-UK readers – sorry if this is the case. I could, I suppose, write them about foreign politicians, but that seems a bit rude. It’s not my place to take the mickey out of politicians from other countries – that’s for you to do. I’ve added a few links to help out.

Theresa May,

or she may not.

But she’s being rather shifty

on the subject of Article Fifty.

 

Blondie Boris Johnson

always has a response on

world politics and affairs of state

but his hair looks like he got up late.

 

Sir Michael Fallon

was a trifle too hands on.

He touched up a lady reporter

which he didn’t oughter.

 

Just a quick note – it’s OK for clerihews to be bad, that’s really part of the form. In fact I’m worried that these scan too well, which comes close to making them limericks.

I’m thinking about doing a whole series on UK Prime Ministers, because the world needs more poems about Pitt the Younger and the Earl of  Bute, though at least the latter will be easy to rhyme. I’m not looking forward to Campbell-Bannerman.

Political Limericks and Other Poems

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Warning, this post may include tedium. This is particularly true for overseas readers who may not recognise any of the names.

I was intending to write some political limericks last week, but haven’t been firing on all cylinders after being ill. A limerick, with five lines, two rhymes (AABBA) and anapestic meter is trickier than it looks. Even when my brain is replete with fish and purring like a sardine-stuffed cat, questions of metre have a tendency to take the shine off my day.

The answer I adopted, in line with my normal policy of lowering standards to match results, is to cut out all the difficult bits. That would suggest a clerihew, a form often used to make fun of famous figures. The rhymes are easy (AABB) and it has a sensibly easy-going view of line length and metre.

Theresa May

Gave a poll lead away

She lost her majority

and offended her sorority

or

Jeremy Corbyn

Rhymes with next to nothin’

A beardy, weirdy smarty

Who leads the Labour party

To be fair, I’m not sure how smart he is. As long as it isn’t libellous (and I’m pretty sure that accusing politicians of intelligence is not defamatory) I think I’m in the clear as accuracy doesn’t seem too important in clerihews.

Nicola Salmon

Has a tendency to bang on

About places north of the border

That sound a bit like Mordor

Other parties are available, but I can’t remember the names of any of the leaders.

I then had a look at senryu. They are like haiku but without the rules –  no cutting words, no season words and no nature. Seventeen syllables or less. You can include humour and human foibles. They are almost the limerick of Japanese poetry and, apart from throwing a selection of words on the table to see what happens, there can’t be many easier ways to write a poem.

Ripples of applause

A political speech

The sound of lyres

Sorry, it’s a cheap shot but I couldn’t resist.

As for my comment on throwing a selection of words on the table, there is a poet who does that at workshops. I forget her name but she was on Radio Four a couple of weeks ago when it was National Poetry Day. She travels the world with a big bag of words running poetry workshops in a career that makes professional cuddler look almost mainstream.

 

 

 

 

Going into Politics

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In the UK anyone can stand for Parliament providing they meet certain criteria. Details are available here. You also need to put up a deposit of £500, which will be returned if you obtain 5% of the votes.

I am over 18 (by a considerable margin), a UK citizen and neither in prison or unlawfully at large, so I’m good to go. There are a few other stipulations but, as far as I can see, nothing to say you have to be sane or intelligent.  Anyone who has observed Parliament over the years will not be surprised by this.

We have a fine tradition of joke candidates in the UK, mainly from the Monster Raving Loony Party, who have been about longer than some of the more serious parties. We also had Mr Fish Finger this year, and Lord Buckethead made another appearence.

Of course, the Americans do this sort of thing much better – the one time they had a joke candidate they elected him President.

So, with Donald Trump as my inspiration, I am seriously thinking of going into politics.

Now all I need are some policies. I’m sure I can rely on my readers to come up with some, but here are three to start.

Appoint a Minister for Books 

You know it makes sense. The world would be a better place with more books. There are many things you can do with books apart from reading them. You can build roads with them, you can use them in craft projects or you can let your imagination run riot.

Personally I would translate books and drop copies into world troublespots. After an intensive course of Paddington or Wind in the Willows I can’t see anyone feeling like committing acts of violence.

Legalise Drugs

According to a paper I’ve just been reading, if you legalise drugs you could raise £3.4 billion to £6.4 billion per annum, even after setting up and running Offdrug to supervise things.

There may be a problem persuading people that we ought to legalise drugs, and I appreciate it will be a hard sell, but just think what £3 billion will do for the NHS.

As another benefit, if we make drugs legal it’s likely that teenagers will stop taking them as it won’t upset their parents.

Regularise the legal position regarding longbows

Since the twelfth century there have been laws on providing weapons to defend the realm (Assize of Arms 1181), and laws to enforce the pracice of archery continued until at least 1541 when King Henry VIII passed  An Act for the Maintenance of Artillery, and debarring unlawful Games.

It would appear from the Internet that there is some doubt as to whether this has ever been repealed, so just to be on the safe side I would reinstate the old laws and have everyone between the ages of 14 and 60 providing their own bows and practicing for at least two hours a week. That’s everyone including women, as we have moved on from the days when only men were included.

In days of spiralling military costs and increasing wars this will allow us to provide a cost-effective Territorial Army for the 21st century.

Bearing in mind the words of Albert Einstein (“I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones”) we will, with a nation of trained archers, be well-placed to repel the post-apocalyptic monkey army or take over the remaining world.

Let’s be honest, how many political parties are planning for World War 4? Most of them are just stocking up for WW3.

As a final point, the York by-law allowing people to kill Scots carrying bows and arrows, will definitely be repealed. Unless they decide to leave the Union, in which case we may need a referendum to bring it back.

 

 

 

Politics and Cricket

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If I was more skilled, I would weave together a story about cricket and elections.

Or, to put it another way, an archaic game of complex strategy, which uses words never heard elsewhere, has just come to a conclusion nobody understands using an arcane method that many people find hard to accept.

Yes, England just beat Australia by 40 runs (calculated by the Duckworth Lewis method.

In another example of cricket mirroring life, Afghanistan just handed out a spanking to a more established country, beating the West Indies by 63 runs. I use “country” in the cricketing sense rather than  “a sovereign state and a member of the U.N in its own right.”, as they say on Pointless.

Sadly, I’m not that skilled and that’s as far as it goes.

Really I’d like to add a homilly on  walking, as it’s something some politicians could learn from cricket.

And finally, an off-colour joke about googlies and I’m done…

 

Barn Owls and Peace – an Unlikely Story

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This is an interesting link about Barn Owls. They are traditional thought of as wise birds, though I’ve never seen one on The Chase, and this is the first time I’ve seen them linked to politics and the peace process. I particularly liked the bit about bats at the end of the article.

I used to see Barn Owls regularly cruising the Fens when I lived there, and we had several pairs around the farm, including one that became involved in a synchronised flying display with a Buzzard. I’m still not sure what that was about but the superior manoeuvrability of the owl enabled it to give the Buzzard the slip.

There are links to this sort of behaviour here and here.

On a day  that the UK is gradually learning more yesterday’s terror attack, and a couple of days after the death of Martin McGuinness, I suppose I could go on to discuss peace, but I have nothing useful to say. I’m sure that most people agree that peace is a good thing but violence never seems to go out of fashion.

I’ll just leave you with this.

Price and Predjudice

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I was speaking to someone last week who tells me his brother in law has been ploughing vegetables back in because the supermarkets won’t pay him enough to make it worthwhile to harvest them.

It seems wrong, but where does the fault lie? The farmer has to take the most cost-effective route because he has a business to run. By ploughing he’s also saving the emissions that go with harvesting and he’s also incorporating organic matter into the soil.

The supermarkets? Along with farmers and the European Community they are one of our favourite villains. The French Government has just started to do something about supermarket food waste, but to be fair they are driven by the customers and if the customers want cheap food the supermarkets have to provide it. It’s like the Free Range Egg thing again. There was a time about 25 years ago when around 80% of people said they wanted non-cage eggs because of welfare considerations. Then for years they carried on buying the cheapest (battery) eggs.

So if it’s not the farmer and it’s not the supermarkets who is at fault.?

Looks like it’s me. I like parsnips, and I particularly like cheap parsnips. It suits me to buy a bag for pennies. Having said that, I made a lot of soup last year from the carrots and parsnips we bought for pig food. Those were really cheap and in soup you can’t tell the difference. I was taking them off the stack, by the way, not wrestling the pigs for them!

In other ways I’m quite responsible. Sometimes I look enviously at the more exotic or out of season veg and I admit I do buy sweet potatoes. I do, however, try to avoid Guatemalan asparagus, Kenyan beans and (in summer) Moroccan tomatoes. Although I try to base my buying decisions on air miles and nutrition these days I have previously based decisions on politics and xenophobia (as in refusing to buy French apples) when we had plenty of good apples ourselves.

So, to sum up, I compost, I grow organically and I buy cheap food from supermarkets if it’s reasonably local, seasonal and not politically abhorrent. I’m doing my best on a limited budget, though I’m not entirely logical.

The average politician, it seems to me, isn’t that bothered about sustainability and gets paid a sum roughly equivalent to the riches of the Indies (look up their multiple jobs in the Register of Interests).

No wonder they can’t formulate a logical food policy if it has to be based on me.