Tag Archives: hibernation

My Hibernation Plan

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Some days just don’t live up to their early promise. Today was one of them. I started reasonably early, and if staring at a blank screen  had been on my list of activities, I would have nailed it. However, it didn’t, and I have to count it as a failure.

There is a pasta bake in the fridge ready for tomorrow, the washing up is done and the evening meal is about to go into the oven.  It’s pie and roast vegetable. The gravy will be made by pouring boiling water onto gravy granules. It is, like me, simple.

Ironic that the Masterchef final is on to tonight. Watching it obviously does not improve my cookery skills.

I’m fairly sure that hibernating is not as easy as it looks, particularly as I get older.  Waking up every few hours to use the bathroom seems to defeat the whole idea of hibernation. I want to sleep from November to 24th December and go back to sleep around 29th December until April. Based on my last stay in hospital, I may have an idea.

For those of you who don’t remember, that was the visit to hospital where the medical profession shoved a camera into a body orifice not designed to accommodate cameras, checked my bladder and sent me home with a plastic bag of urine attached to my leg for three months. Obviously not the same urine, I had to drain that, including, once, into my shoe after knocking the valve that controlled such things.

However, amusing as I find it in hindsight, it wasn’t fun at the time. The only good bit was that I spent three months sleeping through the night. At bedtime you detach the “day bag” and attach the extension pipe and “night bag”. You throw the bag on the floor, arrange the plastic tubing and go to sleep. Eight hours later you wake up, detach the night bag, dispose of the contents and attach the day bag.

I often dream of those carefree nights of sleep. The only problem is that when you are attached to a catheter you can’t help thinking about your own mortality. And then there’s the first night of non-catheterisation. After 12 weeks of urinating automatically, wherever you are and whatever you are doing (a bit like a mouse) it’s hard to fall asleep without worrying about whether you will wake up at the necessary times, or whether . . .

Perhaps I will stop there.

The top picture is to remind me it will be spring soon.

My Plan for Old Age

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I see I managed to publish yesterday’s post without a title – sorry about that.

I’m giving serious thought to hibernation. It must be possible and, with plenty of insulation it will save on heating. As an added benefit, I should be able to lose a lot of weight if I don’t eat until spring. It becomes even more attractive as an idea when you realise I will be able to miss the news for four months. I know we have a new Prime Minister, I know she’s going to be brilliant (she’s already said so several times) and I don’t need to know more.

Yesterday I passed a man trimming roadside trees and ran over a piece of tree in the road. Ninety nine times out of a hundred this would not be a problem, but this time I managed to snag a piece, which rattled around under the car. At work, I wasn’t able to find it, feeling under the car with my walking stick, so had to put up with a dragging sound all the way home. Fortunately Julia was up to the task and extracted the offending cutting before we set off this morning. I’d be lost without her.

Have I ever told you about my plan for my social care? Basically it hinges around committing a crime and spending the last ten to fifteen years of my life in jail. They will provide bed and board, medical care, TV, a library and laundry facilities, and it won’t cost me a penny. To be honest, it can’t be any worse than life in an expensive care home.

The main problem is that I need to think of a crime which is serious enough to justify a long sentence, but which doesn’t require me to be kept in maximum security. It’s still in the initial planning stage, but I feel it has potential. I’m was thinking of piracy, but it’s more complicated than I thought, as it has to be outside UK territorial waters.  This brings me back to that world cruise I mentioned a few days ago.

The photo is a view of part of my desk. The full thing is just too cluttered . . .

A Grumpy Newt

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Julia came home with a picture of a newt today – she’s been looking for one all year. This one turned up as they were clearing a heap of rubbish. The heap had been there since before she took over at the garden, in case you are wondering. It was, it seems, a more attractive berth than the various newt habitats that they have built around the garden.

The newt was not, she says, particularly glad to see them.

I can understand that. You’re all wrapped up and snug in preparation for a long winter snooze then somebody comes and rips your roof off. In similar circumstances I’d be pretty hacked off too.

They tucked it in and put all the stuff back on the heap. They can finish that particular job in Spring.

The picture is a bit blurred, but it’s taken a long time to get it so I’m going to use it anyway.

The Last Butterfly of Summer?

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We were clearing up yesterday afternoon when Julia saw a Peacock flying past. It was a damp day with a temperature around 10 degrees Celsius, not classic butterfly weather. Peacocks do hibernate so I hope it managed to find a good place to shelter. I imagine this is the last butterfly we’ll see this year, but at least it gives me a chance to use one of the summer photos.