Too Much Sleep!

I think I must have had too much sleep over the last few days because last night I found myself lying awake and listening to Julia breathing.

And that was how the concept of the Wifeorgan was born. It’s a little like an organ but with the added benefit of being very soothing to a married man: while he can hear his wife sleeping he can relax – free of fears about comments on his dress sense, demands for mature behaviour and suggestions that he might like to rethink his last comment.

I have checked. There are some weird musical instruments, but none involving sleeping wives.

There will be three main problems –

Getting them to agree. I can already hear a rising chorus of female criticism on the grounds of immaturity, practicality and having nothing to wear. At least we won’t have a problem with the perennial favourite – nobody’s bum looks big under a duvet.

Logistics – transporting a large number of sleeping women is going to be tricky. Not as tricky, I suspect, as transporting a lot of non-sleeping women and making them go to sleep on cue, which is likely to a a horror second only to herding meercats. It is going to take some planning.

Tuning. I’m not going to invite any husband out there to comment, but in my experience this can be tricky. One night you can be wafted away to beautiful dreams by the gentle breathing of the woman you love. The next night you may find yourself hanging onto the duvet with the fervour of the Flying Dutchman as it billows in the air movement produced by a demon imitating a chainsaw killing pigs. I’m not saying anyone in our house snores, but if you want to infer it from my words, please feel free.

And that my friends, fresh from a place hollowed out by insomnia, is my plan for the Wifeorgan.

It’s possible there might be an Arts Council Grant in this…




22 thoughts on “Too Much Sleep!

  1. Pingback: More Trials and Tribulations | quercuscommunity

  2. The Belmont Rooster

    No comment. Well, maybe. I am not currently married or in a “physical” relationship but I do have memories. It was always a good thing when my ex was sound asleep if I was tossing and turning about so I wouldn’t disturb her. Sometimes, though, I would wonder how they could sleep so well. Then there were those nights when I could sleep and she couldn’t. She would always wake me up to talk or something.

  3. Sharon

    I have off spring that refuse to share a hotel room with us on the grounds that we both snore and make noises that make monsters on Doctor who sound friendly and welcoming, only fair I suppose since I used to tell people I incubated the creature from alien, but only said in the most loving and affectionate way.

    1. quercuscommunity

      Ah, the ingratitude of a child is sharper than a serpent’s tooth. I have had need to mention this too the ungrateful demonspawn that took over the bodies of my children as they became teenagers…

  4. tootlepedal

    Conceptual art at its finest. The grants should come pouring in. I happen to live very close to someone whose snoring can cause walls to shake and I am sure she would be happy to join your musical extravaganza.

    1. Lavinia Ross

      There is no one in our house that does not snore, including the eight cats. A snoring cat makes a strange sound, indeed. Several cats on the bed snoring in syncopated time is also fascinating, and one can lie awake marveling at the sound, especially when one of them is sleeping on one’s head. 🙂

      1. quercuscommunity

        We used to have one which would sleep on my chest at weekends. She clearly didn’t like us staying in bed too long and knew that if she did it I would wake flailing about in panic and dreaming about being suffocated/buried alive or crushed by a boa-constrictor.

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