About a year ago I realised I was going to need some help with mobility. My predicament is of my own making, and weight loss, physio and arthritis injections can only do so much. This is particularly true when you are fat and lazy, as that leaves the injections to do the heavy lifting.

First we decided that we were going to move to a bungalow. This is a bit of a defeat, but dragging myself laboriously upstairs on all fours had long lost its novelty value. The trip down, on the other hand, clutching at the bannisters and fighting gravity all the way, always felt like it could end in a trip to hospital. A bungalow was not a hard decision.

The next step, the mobility scooter, took a bit more thinking about. We are close to a number of attractions – railway, country park, library, shops – and they would all be in reach on a scooter. However, I wasn’t quite ready to admit that my retirement dreams of striding out over mountains and fells had all dispersed like mist in the morning, and that I had become a cripple.

I know it’s not a word that’s gone out of favour these days, but “disabled” is such a weak word and makes you sound like a victim. I’m not a victim, I’m an idiot who has made, and continues to make, a lot of bad choices, and am therefore the author of my own life story. If I’d worked harder at school and had more focus I could have achieved my ambition to be a history lecturer at a University, but I didn’t, and as my aptitude tests all showed I would be happy working outside, that’s where I went. The arthritis in my back and neck may still have occurred after a lifetime of sitting at a desk hunched over books, so the eventual result may have been the same anyway.

Decision-making always takes time, in this case about three months, so it was only last night, an hour after the end of the delivery window, that I took delivery of a bright blue mobility scooter. The grey was a bit nondescript, the red is a bit dark and the yellow one exists only in my imagination. So blue it was.

I went out on it today. Considering that I have driven cars, vans and even lorries for work, in the UK. Ireland and Africa, and had a variety of two-wheeled transport, you’d think that a four-wheeled mobility scooter would be a piece of cake, wouldn’t you? It’s not. I had my first near-accident within fifty yards of the house, when I thought I’d try full speed. That’s 8mph. It’s not generally considered fast. However, on a cycle path, approaching bollards, and wobbling slightly, it’s both ill-judged and a lot faster than it sounds.

The next three miles continued with a lot of worries about tipping over, avoiding pedestrians, avoiding dogs (ditto children, bikes, adverse camber) and getting up hills. It’s not really designed for hills. On the web page it looks like it is, but an 18% gradient in real life is a lot less than 18% in a catalogue with a creative camera angle. I also spun my wheels several times on muddy patches after off-path excursions (some planned, some not (see comments about avoiding pedestrians etc) ) but managed to extricate myself and get back on my way.

I can now see why they recommend you insure these things – it’s mainly to cover you when you run into somebody.

Twice, towards the end of the “walk”, I found that the green bars had disappeared off my display as the gradient drained the system. Fortunately they came back as I reached a flat bit. Half a dozen times I ended up making sudden stops because I couldn’t control it properly.  This became easier after an hour of practice but it will obviously take time.

Meanwhile, Julia ensured I kept a sense of proportion by keeping pace with, and even overtaking me on a couple of occasions. She also gained some amusement by enquiring if I was light enough to go over some of the bridges we encountered on the way. Roman Generals used to have a slave behind them  muttering as they held their triumphal processions – something that a modern man can have by simply getting married.

When we got home we had our best ever sighting of a kite over the bungalow – it was only about fifteen feet above and seemed to be directly over our garden.

The scooter is currently being charged in the garage and will be back in use tomorrow as we go to the shops.

Pictures are from Julia, using her phone. She did take more but they all seem to be about the size of postage stamps.