The Christmas Letter

I’ve always resisted the temptation to write a letter to go with the few Christmas cards I send because there’s a fine line between sending news and showing off. Whereas I tend to write a warts and all version of my year when I’m blogging, the Christmas Letter always seems to be full of perfection.

Here’s mine. It’s an antidote to sweetness and perfection, a sort of Christmas Anti-Letter. I have used a different colour to indicate it should be read with your tongue in your cheek.

Dear All,

Last year we had a wonderful Christmas in Suffolk. Sadly it has all gone downhill since then.

The children, whilst not particularly successful or good at anything, unlike the children of everyone I know, are both planning on going travelling in Spring. Unfortunately, they are both planning on coming back, but it’s a start.

I suppose this is due to poor parenting so, as usual, I will get the blame. It has always been the same – It’s the same the whole world over It’s the poor what gets the blame It’s the rich what gets the pleasure Ain’t it all a bloomin’ shame? as the song says.

Julia continues to suffer from being married to an idiot. I can’t help thinking she could emulate the Spartans and suffer in silence but she seems to disagree. She shows too much interest in the plots of Poirot for my liking but in the absence of readily available household poisons (unlike the house and garden of the 1930s) I am still quite healthy. She did, however, look at the possibility of visiting the Poison Garden at Anwick Castle last year.

I wasn’t too keen on that.

That’s about it. If I wanted people to know more about what I’m doing I’d write more often.

We’re having turkey sandwiches with mayonaisse, cranberry and stuffing on Boxing Day. It’s the best bit of the year.

All the best,

Simon

Mistletoe from eBay

Mistletoe from eBay

With any luck that should stop people sending me appalling upbeat letters.

Bah, humbug!

Sorry about the repeated picture – I only have one Christmas photo.

 

 

 

 

22 thoughts on “The Christmas Letter

  1. Pingback: Good News and Loose Ends | quercuscommunity

  2. higgledypiggledymom

    That was great! I wonder if I sent that out to people, with a few minor changes, would we be bombarded with phone calls or emails wondering if I’d gone completely nutter or ’round the bend? Probably wouldn’t pass the approval of Himself, but it brought smiles to me and my round face. HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS!

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  3. derrickjknight

    I’m sure it can get worse. This puts me in mind of the best Christmas letter I’ve ever received (even yours doesn’t match it). The card was a family photograph with Dad in the centre cradling a baby I didn’t know about. The borrowed child was allegedly that of the young teenaged daughter. One saintly lad had recently been released on parole…… you get the picture. Happy Christmas

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  4. arlingwoman

    I’ve never minded Christmas letters. I suppose people are giving the high points and it can sound arrogant or braggy. But until yours, I’d never gotten a good laugh from one! And I don’t do them myself. The people who get letters get their own…

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  5. petersironwood

    Well done. I know exactly what you mean about some of the Christmas letters which really more like a job application for the family to become emperors. “Jeremy became the 28th in our family to earn their doctorate from Oxford; however, he is the first one to defend his dissertation via Skype whilst performing brain surgery for Doctors Without Borders. He would have been finished sooner but for the jaunt back to win his semi-finals match at Wimbledon….” etc. By the way, don’t let your wife read this comment, but mistletoe is itself plenty poisonous enough to kill. – John

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    1. quercuscommunity Post author

      That’s an excellent letter. πŸ™‚ I’d actually been looking at the mistletoe berries thinking they looked quite appetising – I’d better do some more reading about poisonous plants!

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  6. tootlepedal

    I share your thoughts on the Christmas letter but since mine is 365 pages long, I suppose that I shouldn’t complain.

    I hope to read many more of your excellent posts in the coming year so don’t eat too much at Christmas and explode. Resist that last wafer thin mint at all costs.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. quercuscommunity Post author

      I just had soup and a sandwich for tea – resting my digestive system for the coming days. I will follow your advice about the mints. The 365 day letter is a work of art, and not to be confused with the lesser sort of letter that can be folded into a Christmas card.

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