Stop All the Clocks

I’m coming up to sixty, I’ve been talking to a man who officiates at funeral services and, on the way home last night, I listened to a radio programme about funeral singers. This would tend to indicate that it’s time to think of funerals.

Apologies to anyone who finds the subject in bad taste, but there are certain things that need arranging beforehand. I’m a bit on the large side, for instance, and the average coffin always looks a bit on the small side. Wicker, apart from its green credentials, has a bit more give if you’re having to pack a fat man in it. Cardboard is probably even greener, and you could probably make your own if you had enough warning. That might be a step too far, though totally in character for my parsimonious nature

I’ve had a quick look and made my first decision. I’m going for cardboard, as they do one of decent size at a reasonable price. You can buy them here on eBay, with free delivery. In contrast, most wicker coffins are only about six foot long and p&p on eBay is £50. You can buy a lot of sandwiches for £50.

I may well shrink with age (if I live long enough) but I’m still currently too tall for a wicker coffin. I don’t think we need to worry about the width just now.

I’d also like to be buried in a natural burial ground, but I’ve just looked it up and find a burial plot costs £600. You can bury one person in it or scatter four sets of cremation remains. The ashes seem more economical but you have to get cremated first and I can’t find a cost for this to do a proper costing. Even Cremdirect want to sell you a complete funeral. The don’t cover the Nottingham area, but if they did I’m not sure if they’d want me, as they say – “Additional costs my apply to oversize coffins in excess of 6 foot 4″ and over 24″ wide”. You could probably fit me into  6′ 4″ as it leaves an inch at each end and you’d be able to bend my knees a bit, but I’d have to check the 24″.

Their cost, as long as you’re small enough, is £2,150. Alternatively, you can have a Nottingham Funeral for £1,799.99. It’s the Council’s modern equivalent to a pauper’s funeral, and there may be extras, including an extra charge for having a Friday funeral. No, I don’t know why.

Nor do I know why you’d trust your funeral to people who have trouble organising basic bin collections.

Part 2 to follow…

26 thoughts on “Stop All the Clocks

  1. Tangly Cottage

    I backtracked to see if you are in hospice or just planning ahead! Whew! I think about death a surprising ? amount for a 63 year old. I’ve just been reading a book by Anne Wareham (The Bad Tempered Gardener) and a series of novels by Virginia Ironside… both written by or about sixty year olds and both with thoughts about death, so I guess it’s not unusual.

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    1. quercuscommunity Post author

      I suppose the idea of being 60 next month is making me dwell on my mortality.

      My mum went through a phase about this age where we had to stop her reading newspaper obituaries of people younger than her.

      🙂

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  2. Pingback: Stop All The Clocks (Part 3) | quercuscommunity

  3. Pingback: Stop All The Clocks (Part 2) | quercuscommunity

    1. quercuscommunity Post author

      I notice that your commitment to long life also encompasses cycling and sticky toffee pudding. This seems to be the sort of lifestyle I could adopt in search of long life. Apart from the cycling, as it looks quite dangerous to me, so I’ll just double up on the pudding. That should work.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  4. Helen

    BBC Radio Four seems to have a few programmes about funerals recently. I was shocked by the cost and wondered if it is possible to have some level of DIY funeral. I certainly begrudge my daughter’s inheritance going on solid oak caskets, when she might have a mortgage to pay for etc.

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    1. quercuscommunity Post author

      I’m shocked by the cost of cheap funerals – especially the idea of paying to scatter ashes. I’m sure there are economies to be made whilst preserving the quality of the day.

      Like

      Reply
  5. charliecountryboy

    That’s a great post, I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking about it lol. I had an idea this morning and I wonder if they would just pop me into the hospital furnace, that way it wouldn’t cost much and no one would actually know if you’d popped your clogs or just run away? 😀

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  6. arlingwoman

    Oh my goodness, you probably have at least 20 more years. Still, as I said to my brother recently it seems increasingly less unlikely that I could expire, so it might be a good idea to arrange things–I’m going for cremation (much less than a funeral, at least here) and since I belong to a church, I can snag a spot for the ashes in the columbarium. The funeral should otherwise have minimal cost. Now there’s the matter of a will…Yes, we all have to think about this stuff. I looked at this wicker coffins and…chuckled.

    Liked by 1 person

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